Midnight Memories Review

Okay, this may come as a shock to you all, but I may or may not have listened to the entire One Direction discography in the past one week. I know, I know. It's weird. I'll get over it. I don't even like most of their songs. They are uplifting though. They give me an illusion of happiness. And that feels good.
So I downloaded Midnight Memories (Sorry, boys. Couldn't wait till the actual release) and now I'm going to listen to it and review it in the least biased way possible.

Best Song Ever
Ahaha, this song. Not gonna lie, I know all the words. I also know how to play this. Fun fact. This video though. I'm dancing. Heh. Kay I'll stop. Zayn how do you hit them high notes, man?

Story Of My Life
This song I really dig. The song that got to me. The song that made me convert. This is the song that I had my "I have seen Jesus" moment with.  Here is an acapella version.  

Diana
I heard this came out before the actual album, but didn't listen to it. I like this. It's very pop, though. But still. I kind of don't care. It's a good song.

Midnight Memories
Ooooh, title track. OOOOOO They said "Shhh" instead of shit. Look who's growing up. It's very.... Bryan Adams? My dad might like this song. What.

You and I
Ohh, slow song. Wow I kind of really love this song. WOW. ZAYN. WHAT WAS THAT HIGH NOTE. COULD YOU NOT.

Dont Forget Where You Belong
Dude what is with this album having really good music. Like, me a month ago would love this song too. This album is coming along pretty great. Edit : MCFLY WROTE THIS SONG WTF

Strong
Ayyy pop. It's very Kelly Clarkson. I don't know. It's nice.

Happily
This starts off a lot like the previous one. The chorus is very Mumford and Sons? Or like maybe It's Time by Imagine Dragons? Like there are banjos and clapping and stomping and stuff. I like it. This song should be in a trailer.

Right Now
Starts off very pop, again. It's a very falling in love kind of song. This should also be in a movie. Like during a montage. Or a trailer. Or something. Edit : RYAN TEDDER WROTE THIS SONG WTF

Little Black Dress
What the fuck? Why is this so 90s rock? It's so good. This is the least One Direction song I have ever heard in my life, ever. Wow. Love it.

Through The Dark
Oooooo this sounds so indie folk. It's so good, I'm thinking of giving up on this album. Come on man, ONE bad song. That's all I'm asking.

Something Great
OH COME ON. ANOTHER GOOD ONE???????? FUCKING VIOLINS IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE ZAYN IS SINGING? (Or harry? I can't tell :/) ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Edit : FUCKING GARY LIGHTBODY WROTE THIS SONG WTF

Little White Lies
Ah yes, pop. Old One Direction pop. Thank you. Finally. Not beautiful music. Dancy. Pop. Music. Wtf dubstep. Very I Knew You Were Trouble. Okay the lyrics to this song is putting me off. They're almost like Blurred Lines. I mean, they're not rapey. But yeah. I don't know. "I know you want it" "You want to make rules, but we'll watch them burn tonight" "You say you're a good girl, but I know you would girl" Uhm. It's very catchy and nice, but like, guys. Come on.

Better Than Words
More pop. All I'm going to say.

Why Dont We Go There
Ohhh, very pop rock. It's okay.

Does He Know
Okay old One Direction. Okay can we go back to the better Direction, I miss that. Why did I ask for not nice songs? I deserve this.

Alive
Yes, thank you. Rock. Ish. Cowbells, hahaha. Yo, this reminds me of the Jonas Brothers but it also doesn't. Brilliant song to go out on, though. Oh wait, this isn't the last song. It's a great song, though. This song makes me happy, for some reason

Half A Heart
Last song. Starting out slow. Ah, breakup song. It's a great song. Okay, good song to go out on

Okay, I really enjoyed this album. Started off well, went downhill for a bit in the middle there, but picked up in the end. I give it 4.5 stars out of 5. I only took out 0.5 stars because that pop is expected from a boyband.
Before I go, I will offer my opinions about each of the dudes in the band because I feel like you should know.
Harry - Reminds me wayyy too much of Ed Sheeran for some reason. The way he talks and stuff.
Niall - Hilarious leprechaun.
Liam - Sounds like an actual Disney Prince. But is also pretty chill.
Louis - Abercrombie and Fitch. Or like some other modeling company. Because hot tot tot hot.
Zayn  - Of course I saved the best for last.  My boo. That's all I'm going to say.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go listen to it again.  

An Open Letter To Zayn Malik

Dear Zayn,

First of all

Your band has been making music for a while now, and as someone who doesn't listen to a lot of pop music, I could never get behind it. And since you looked like kids, although all of you are older than me, I let you be. Then you started getting big and I saw your face everywhere and well, it wasn't that appealing. I mean, you looked like this

I thought "what the fuck, why is ANYone even attracted to that, they look like children, stop, you pedophiles". Then I went and listened to your music. Although I personally didn't like it, I admit it was catchy. But your music videos. Oh, god, your music videos. They were so bad. So god damn cheesy. And what was with all that fucking POINTING oh my god. Basically, I didn't like you very much. And the fact that everyone did made me hate you even more.

One thing I did love though was hearing about you. A lot of people may not know this, but I am a pop culture nerd. I LOVE being up to date on celebrities and all that jazz. I wanted to be an entertainment journalist so bad. I still want to be an entertainment journalist. Anyway. I was really interested in the phenomenon known as One Direction. I loved seeing how small decisions you made affected the lives of so many people. It was fascinating. I knew all your names by this time. It still watched your videos and laughed at you, though. And also I made puns about your band's name on a daily basis.

Then you released Little Things. And as soon as I heard Ed Sheeran wrote it, I was down. I listened to it and for the first time I actually listened to your voices. And wow, you guys were good. (With the exception of Niall. Louis wasn't that great either but he was cute-ish so I let it pass). You still looked like children, though so I was like meh. I watched your X Factor auditions, and you had pretty great voices. Voices that would guarantee a solo career. But I figured you'd want to establish a fan base before branching out. understandable.

Then, very recently, Best Song Ever came out. And let me tell you, what. an. effort. That music video, well the beginning at least, was pretty awesome. I mean, wow. All that makeup. And that acting. The song was catchy too. I already wanted to watch the concert movie but now I wanted to watch it even more. I developed an ironic appreciation towards you guys. News broke out that you were engaged and I didn't really care. (Although I was a little surprised you were marrying a white girl. Okay I wasn't.)

This was when I noticed you, Zayn. I think I stumbled across a blog with your face in the sidebar and damn. You looked fine as hell. This left me conflicted. Your band was growing on me, but you??? Why was I suddenly so attracted to you? Then I noticed that your face still had a boyishness to it and decided that I would only bang like a 28 year old version of you. When you looked mature. When you were a man. 

AND THEN GOD FUCKING DAMNIT STUPID FUCKING STORY OF MY LIFE CAME OUT. And that song WAS SO GOOD. Like insanely good. Like indie folk good. Note : I LOVE indie folk. And I loved it. And then, Zayn Malik, and then came the teasers for Story Of My Life. And holy shit. You were hot. Then the music video came out and hot dayum. I was done. So done.  You had facial hair. You had a beard. You didn't look like a child any more. Your jawline looked more defined. You were sexy. You were bangable. I wanted to bang you. I didn't - don't even want to wait till you're 28. Right now, you're good to go. For hours I stared at your pictures trying to figure out where that came from. I watched interviews. I HEARD YOUR FUCKING NORTHERN ACCENT. AND HOW YOU DIDNT WANT TO SEE A FISH STRUGGLE OR SOME BULLSHIT I DONT KNOW YOU SOUNDED ADORABLE SAYING THAT. I had fallen into the hole called One Direction. No, actually, I was clinging to the edge of the hole, not wanting to fall in. I'm still clinging. Seriously though, how does one go from looking like this

To looking like this

Seriously, what the fuck man. 

So today, I was staring at your face, and I realized you're probably kind of stupid. Like why would someone with such a face be smart. It's unrealistic. I would probably not have a proper conversation with you. Or maybe I will. Please be stupid so I don't fall in love with you, okay? Thanks.

So the purpose of this letter is, you're beautiful. You KNOW you're beautiful (Ha reference. I hate myself for making that joke). You make my ovaries feel things. Keep being sexy. Hit me up. 

Yours truly,

Me.