An Open Letter To Zayn Malik

Dear Zayn,

First of all

Your band has been making music for a while now, and as someone who doesn't listen to a lot of pop music, I could never get behind it. And since you looked like kids, although all of you are older than me, I let you be. Then you started getting big and I saw your face everywhere and well, it wasn't that appealing. I mean, you looked like this

I thought "what the fuck, why is ANYone even attracted to that, they look like children, stop, you pedophiles". Then I went and listened to your music. Although I personally didn't like it, I admit it was catchy. But your music videos. Oh, god, your music videos. They were so bad. So god damn cheesy. And what was with all that fucking POINTING oh my god. Basically, I didn't like you very much. And the fact that everyone did made me hate you even more.

One thing I did love though was hearing about you. A lot of people may not know this, but I am a pop culture nerd. I LOVE being up to date on celebrities and all that jazz. I wanted to be an entertainment journalist so bad. I still want to be an entertainment journalist. Anyway. I was really interested in the phenomenon known as One Direction. I loved seeing how small decisions you made affected the lives of so many people. It was fascinating. I knew all your names by this time. It still watched your videos and laughed at you, though. And also I made puns about your band's name on a daily basis.

Then you released Little Things. And as soon as I heard Ed Sheeran wrote it, I was down. I listened to it and for the first time I actually listened to your voices. And wow, you guys were good. (With the exception of Niall. Louis wasn't that great either but he was cute-ish so I let it pass). You still looked like children, though so I was like meh. I watched your X Factor auditions, and you had pretty great voices. Voices that would guarantee a solo career. But I figured you'd want to establish a fan base before branching out. understandable.

Then, very recently, Best Song Ever came out. And let me tell you, what. an. effort. That music video, well the beginning at least, was pretty awesome. I mean, wow. All that makeup. And that acting. The song was catchy too. I already wanted to watch the concert movie but now I wanted to watch it even more. I developed an ironic appreciation towards you guys. News broke out that you were engaged and I didn't really care. (Although I was a little surprised you were marrying a white girl. Okay I wasn't.)

This was when I noticed you, Zayn. I think I stumbled across a blog with your face in the sidebar and damn. You looked fine as hell. This left me conflicted. Your band was growing on me, but you??? Why was I suddenly so attracted to you? Then I noticed that your face still had a boyishness to it and decided that I would only bang like a 28 year old version of you. When you looked mature. When you were a man. 

AND THEN GOD FUCKING DAMNIT STUPID FUCKING STORY OF MY LIFE CAME OUT. And that song WAS SO GOOD. Like insanely good. Like indie folk good. Note : I LOVE indie folk. And I loved it. And then, Zayn Malik, and then came the teasers for Story Of My Life. And holy shit. You were hot. Then the music video came out and hot dayum. I was done. So done.  You had facial hair. You had a beard. You didn't look like a child any more. Your jawline looked more defined. You were sexy. You were bangable. I wanted to bang you. I didn't - don't even want to wait till you're 28. Right now, you're good to go. For hours I stared at your pictures trying to figure out where that came from. I watched interviews. I HEARD YOUR FUCKING NORTHERN ACCENT. AND HOW YOU DIDNT WANT TO SEE A FISH STRUGGLE OR SOME BULLSHIT I DONT KNOW YOU SOUNDED ADORABLE SAYING THAT. I had fallen into the hole called One Direction. No, actually, I was clinging to the edge of the hole, not wanting to fall in. I'm still clinging. Seriously though, how does one go from looking like this

To looking like this

Seriously, what the fuck man. 

So today, I was staring at your face, and I realized you're probably kind of stupid. Like why would someone with such a face be smart. It's unrealistic. I would probably not have a proper conversation with you. Or maybe I will. Please be stupid so I don't fall in love with you, okay? Thanks.

So the purpose of this letter is, you're beautiful. You KNOW you're beautiful (Ha reference. I hate myself for making that joke). You make my ovaries feel things. Keep being sexy. Hit me up. 

Yours truly,

Me.